18/06/22 - One Month of Rosie Rucksack

It’s been one whole month today since I created this site. A lot has happened in that one month, but also not a lot has happened at all. I finally finished the Film & TV page today, which has been “under construction” since I created it. I am happy that within one month, every page that I originally wanted to make now has something substantial on it. When I started this site I had never coded anything before and knew nothing about website design or creation, and yet already I can feel myself resenting my old Wix site that I made for my portfolio back at college. Sure that website looked more “professional” but I built this site with my own two hands! With my blood sweat and tears dammit! You cant say that about Wix or Squarespace or any other website builder! Learning HTML and CSS has been far more rewarding than I thought it would be, and I’m really shocked at how quickly I was able to pick it up. Of course, that doesn’t mean I want you to look at my source. Please don’t. It’s a mess. You will judge me. But it works, and that’s the main thing. I think learning a new skill has been a real help to me. I’ve given up on things pretty quickly that I’ve tried to learn in this period where I’m doing nothing else. Knitting was the last one, I managed to knit some rows, use up all the wool and then forget how to knit when I tried starting with a new ball of wool. I tried revisiting the guides and tutorials, but something felt like it had just gone and I couldn’t do it anymore. I then promptly put the knitting needles down and haven’t touched them since. There was this really simple Moomin toy that I found a pattern for, and that was my goal, if I could at least knit well enough to make the toy I would have succeeded with something, but I gave up before even trying. I keep looking over at my knitting things and thinking, ‘I should pick that up again’, but then I think about how hard I found it and I change my mind. Probably the worst thing I’ve done this with was driving. I have no idea how so many people can drive and do drive every single day, as if it’s nothing. I really just couldn’t get driving, it was really scary and I got so anxious trying to think about everything at once while looking where I was going. I gave up on that when I started Uni and haven’t gone back to it. That’s bad because for the job I want to do, being able to drive is essential, as in – you will not be hired unless you can drive. But hey, I know HTML now so who’s really laughing? I do wonder what about this site has enabled me to stick with it and not give up after a week. I’m sure updates will only slow down further and further with time, but I hope that I’ll still continue to work on it, even if it’s less frequent. Outside of the site my mood has been up and down. I think I’ve made enough progress with the site that it no longer feels productive to work on it and now feels like procrastination. When I start back at university It will be a process of resubmitting my work from last year, I was able to almost complete my first project before dropping out. Despite this, I’d hoped that I’d be able to use this extra time to get ahead in the hopes that I won’t end up back where I was before. I don’t feel like this time off has helped me and now it feels like the days are quickly counting down until I have to go back to how I was before. It’s a shame because I did have things lined up, but was unable to do them because the university wouldn’t let me defer for a whole year. This has left me in a cycle of bad habits, and I feel like if I don’t do something this time off will have been for nothing. I was worried about this when I decided to stop and looking back a part of me wishes that I’d just carried on and failed my degree. I wonder if failure would have changed my outlook? Maybe motivated me to improve myself? Either way I’ve committed to this now, so I have to live with it. As a side note, I still haven’t replied to the person I mentioned in my last entry. It’s going to be beyond awkward to respond now. Why am I like this lmao